As you may have previously read, this blog is meant for those working on the frontlines of society. After having a 15 year career as a paramedic/ firefighter, I experienced and witnessed may traumatic things. Then spending over 6 years as a social worker helping homeless people with severe mental illness and substance use disorders rebuild their lives, I was forced to see issues that my clients had were mirroring my own emotions and behaviors, they had very similar traumatic childhoods as my own. This affected me in ways I was unaware of directly as well as experiencing what is called secondary trauma (“the emotional duress that results when an individual hears about the firsthand trauma experiences of another” as defined from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network). This started a very difficult (and rewarding) journey in healing from my own trauma, and What I had not realized is my coping mechanisms were no longer working and my effectiveness in my work life suffered and my personal life was basically a disaster!

My path for public service started joining the Navy in 1992 becoming a Hospital Corpsman. I started as a standard sailor then requested transfer to the Marines (all Marine medics are Navy Corpsman who when through training to become a Fleet Marine Force Corpsman). I learned a lot but as the military was experiencing financial cut-backs at that time, I left the Navy then decided to become an EMT in Pennsylvania. I eventually became a Paramedic and cross trained in some departments as a firefighter. In 2002 I took a job with Prince William Fire/Rescue (a department located in the Norther VA, Metro DC area) as a firefighter/medic. After 5 years, and a series of difficulties, I left the DC area to move to Colorado, where I have wanted to live since I was a child.

Moving to Boulder Colorado I was able to experience a different way of living than compared to the East Coast. I had a lot of fun climbing, hiking and mountain biking along with enjoying the outdoor lifestyle Colorado is well know for. I decided to take a job outside of the EMS, public service field as I felt I needed a break from it so I took a job as a delivery driver for a kitchen and bath design center. While the job was a good change, I still wanted to keep rescue skills up so I started volunteering with Rocky Mountain Rescue going through their training program. It was a lot of fun but my difficulties with built up, unresolved trauma, had not vanished as I had hoped and I was beginning to heavily self-medicate with alcohol as my anger continued to grow.

Then, in April 2008, an event led me to my DUI arrest in Boulder. Being a Paramedic meant nothing at this point as the police did not “look the other way” as I was expecting in my entitled mind, and I was convicted of a DUI (misdemeanor) sentenced to 9-18 months probation with many requirements attached. It was during this process I was psychologically evaluated and diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety disorder and substance use disorder (aka… alcoholic). At first there was significant anger with extreme denial that I was any of those diagnosis. I believed that incident was just a simple error in judgement and I did not need any help at all and the assessment and judgement was complete BS! Furthermore, I felt extremely alone as I realized I had separated myself from all of my support systems I previously had (and unconsciously relied on) because I moved to CO and all my supports were back east. Thankfully, I did have my sister and my childhood friend to call periodically which helped immensely, but after the phone calls, I was back to feeling isolated and alone. There is something to being able to just be present with someone who will stand with you, that is very powerful and comforting but it was something I did not have in my current situation. But as was so typical with my selfish behavior so I blamed everyone else and the world for my situation which further fueled my self-pity firming up my victim mentality. Fortunately, there were moments of clarity that crept it (I do think it was God giving me direction) reminding me of something I was taught when I was in Navy is that when I screw up, I have to remember the three “ups.”

First: Shut up! I was the one who screwed up, not anyone else. Blaming others only makes matters worse.

Second: Own up! I had to admit that I did these things and I made the mistakes.

Third: SUCK IT UP! Everything has consequences and I had to face, and deal, with those consequences and no one could take it from me.

(One important thing to note, while I had the moments of clarity of remembering the three, I would not stay in that mentality. Often I reverted to self-pity and misplaced anger not understanding at this point that anger is a secondary emotion. However, I was able to reenter this way of thinking just long enough to not make matters worse).

Events like these are often life changing as they destroy my current view of reality and toss me into mental chaos where I begin to question everything! Questions like “why me” and statements like “this is unfair” etc…creep in and do not stop playing in the mind and this is where I begun my healing journey with a wonderful therapist, also this is also where God intervened.

I was supposed to be put in a therapy group for veterans with PTSD, however, that was full and I was required by the court to start therapy by a certain date so I was put in a group of the general public, none of which were veterans or first responders so I felt incredibly out of place but I had no choice. I attended the first few sessions upset until the wonderful therapist had a particularly unique style which I felt very comfortable quickly then I realized why God had me there. Here was my first experience with a very helpful approach to healing because the approach Jeff (the therapist) took with the group. He provided a safe space as he never had an agenda as he let the group find its own rhythm in every session which I later realized this allowed everyone in the group to feel comfortable with each other naturally so we were able to be authentic and open to what we each were carrying in our own time. Also, Jeff stated that he did not care if we thought of drinking, or if we had alcohol he only cared that if we wanted to drink, he wanted to know why we wanted to drink. That approach had me rethink much of my choices while I never once felt judged. This changed the entire dynamic of the group and allowed me to open ups when I was ready about much of the pain I was carrying. This continued for several weeks until I completed my required amount of sessions by my probation officer.

Another gift of being in that therapy group my therapist (and the facility) was educated primarily by a Buddhist college called Naropa University (located in Boulder) a school founded in the Buddhist traditions. Jeff suggested that I read the Dalai Lama’s book, The Art of Happiness. This was extremely helpful in my introduction into how the mind works and creates its own suffering which was the first time I even considered that my situation was made worse by my way of thinking but this was not the only part that helped in my transformation. The book mentioned a Trappist Monk (a monistic order in the Catholic tradition), Thomas Merton as the Dalai Lama notes how impressed he was with meeting Merton and considered him his spiritual brother. As I was raised Catholic, I have heard of Merton then started studying his works which opened me to a greater healing through mindfulness, and the divine showing me a new way of living, though many of the teachings would not take hold until almost a decade later.

Eventually I completed my therapy sessions and after having to return to PA from CO due to the economic crash of 2008-2010, I had a wonderful first experience into the healing journey but I continued in the EMS field but not in therapy or working on myself in any capacity which did lead to significant sliding back of behaviors, though I did continue searching for more spiritual meaning through self-study.

Eventually I left the emergency services field and transitioned to social work staring with doing outreach for homeless veterans then becoming a case manager with the general homeless population. While I did not resume my own therapy at this time, I did start learning much about behavioral health especially severe mental illness (SMI) and substance use disorders (SUD). I decided I wanted to learn more so I begun to research how to get my therapy degree.

In my research I found that almost all the programs for the prerequisites for counseling degrees were classes held in person and during the day. I was unable to attend since I was now married with a stepdaughter and had a f/t job but this is where God intervened. I was lead to Neumann University (a Catholic university in the Franciscan tradition) where I enrolled in their online adult education program in Business and Organizational then going for my masters Pastoral Counseling. The bonus was I was able to study more of the Christian theology in the Franciscan Tradition (originated by Francis of Assisi) which further touched on my healing. After enrolling, I met a pastoral counselor who recommended the mens group Illuman (healing from a spiritual perspective created by Franciscan Friar Richard Rohr. Through the men’s group I found deeper connection to the Divine and myself. Then during the retreat, some of the brothers noted that I was not doing well with my PTSD and connected me with a fantastic therapist (though I didn’t like him at first). This process was quite an awaking as I truly thought I was doing well but what I was unable to see was I was still very angry and reactive to even the slightest irritation which is where I learned the phrase “If you don’t transform your pain, you will transmit it” (Rohr, Breathing Underwater). My pain was being transmitted to my family (including affecting my newborn son) causing some emotional damage to everyone and I was totally unaware of it. I have continued with therapy to this day (with a few small breaks) as I continue healing from trauma (both personally experienced and witnessed).

I continued working while taking classes with the homeless gaining in valuable knowledge and experience but in March of this year, after a few significant events, I left social work and decided that after 6 years of being a social worker I helping rebuild lives of the homeless, I would put my skills to use helping those on the Frontlines providing both professional and personal support and growth and starting Frontline Empower Coaching!

Though this blog, I will share some of my experiences as well as post articles that pertain to overall wellness and inspirational stories. However, all of my stories will not be posted here as I am currently working on a book that highlights my life (more to come). There will be frequent articles, and insights, on personal development, trauma resilience, and other useful information all targeted to help a first responder develop personally and professionally. For those who may be reading this who are not first responders, I hope this information helps you in your life.

I look forward to hearing from all of you so please leave a comment in the comments section of the posts, or if you have any questions please click on the Connect button and leave your information and I will respond as soon as possible.

PEACE!